DIVERSITYMOM.COM: Recent Comments

Comment on OF TIME, PLACE AND "THE HELP"

2011-08-11T23:15:28Z

So glad you're back! And as spot on as always!!!!
I also think that - unfortunately - the "help" syndrome is so widespread and "accepted" that even the caregivers fall into the stereotypes. I remember going up in the elevator from the basement with the cleaning lady next door. We chatted a bit and when we parted, she said, "oh you work for the lady in 6E, I hear she is quite nice"... so I just responded "thanks. have a nice evening"...
But back to your point, if you think about it, noone would ever dare say anything of this sort in a work environment in fear of harrassment law suits... and the funny thing is... you don't give your children and the keys to your house to your work collegues do you?

Comment on THE NANNY SYNDROME: Part I

2011-04-24T19:13:51Z

I hope you are seriously writing the novel you refer to, "Poster Child". I certainly enjoy your writing style. (Let me know when you are in town on the book tour!)

I confess, I experienced the "Nanny Syndrome" multiple times while I was living in Marin County. My son, who pretty much has my face, is a bit fairer and, at the time, had blonde curls.(I had black curls!)

I very happily skedaddled out of there and raised my kids in Oakland. Although my children have attended private schools their whole life, since their first day at the East Bay French American School, I can honestly say, that never happened again!

And, although Marin County has lovely nature, it still gives me the creeps whenever I visit. (The Chronicle recently proclaimed it the least diverse county in the Bay Area. SURPRISE!)

Fun story ... on the opposite spectrum so to speak ... I was hanging out with a friend's 2 year old, walking around a very nice neighborhood in Santa Monica. The child's parents are both Dutch and she is as pale and blonde and blue eyed as they come.
I was squatting down to inspect some flowers with her, when I noticed someone in the nearby driveway, (with very large thighs) getting into his car. I heard this very German, well, Austrian, accent say, "What a cutie! Is she yours?" And to this day, despite many of his actions as Governor of California, I have a fond place for Arnold Schwartezegger for his lack of presumption in this situation! (This was in the 80s, long before he'd proclaimed himself a politician.)

Comment on FASHION STATEMENTS

2011-04-24T18:39:39Z

For the life of me, I can't understand why this "fad" has persisted for so long. Zoot suits came and went in a heartbeat. Although we are moving into "skinny jeans", but doesn't seem to have hit the black community.

Comment on FASHION STATEMENTS

2010-10-29T02:35:10Z

AMEN

Comment on MISTAKEN IDENTITIES

2009-12-03T22:39:17Z

The need to classify is not limited to the color of skin necessarily. I just recounted to our daughters 5 or 6 people who throughout the years people have said I look just like. As far as I can tell look these people look nothing like me except they are blonde and white (Olivia Newton-John, Meryl Streep, Faye Dunaway, Kate Moss, Kim Alexis, and Cameron Diaz to name a few). All complements, yes, but really without much basis. (Although the Faye Dunaway comment was the inspiration for a great Bonnie Parker costume for Halloween a few years back it was likely the beret that ). I have been asked if I play basketball or volleyball, model, or ran track. Though I have never been mistaken for a babysitter or a housecleaner, I have been mistaken as the mother to my Asian friend's stepdaughter numerous times. It is certainly an issue, but we all need to be visible beyond the assumptions and classifications that correlate to the color of our skin, the shape of our eyes or face and our hair.

Comment on MISTAKEN IDENTITIES

2009-09-22T14:14:43Z

Thanks Xuan. You're right: As someone who is repeatedly taken for the babysitter or cleaning lady, I guess it is a refreshing change of pace to be famous and supposedly rich. What gets me is the need to classify us at all.

Comment on THE MYTH OF THE COLORBLIND CHILD

2009-09-10T14:59:47Z

Me and my daughter were coming home from church one evening and she said too me, "I know everyone is enjoying the sunset right now." It was already dark at the time. So I pointed out that before we went to church the sun had already set, then I showed her the moon and told her "Isn't amazing how GOD gives us the Moon and Sun" and she said " I wonder how he does that" "I told her never wonder about GOD's work just enjoy she told me "Well its not like I am trying to get the recipe or anything!" Kids say the funniest things.

Comment on MISTAKEN IDENTITIES

2009-08-26T17:35:18Z

You are very lycky indeed! When I go around the neighborhood alone or with my offsprings, people usually think I'm the babysitter or the cleaning lady! If I decide to go and get the dry cleaning I usually get a "oh the other lady (read my actual cleaning lady) must be off"... what is it about being a middle-aged Asian that if you are dressed casually, most people think that a) you are Philippino (no offense, some of my best friends are) b) you are a babysitter/cleaning lady... and when you are properly dressed and dare going outside NY, it does happen quite often that you are greated by a lout "ohayo" or "ni hao"... so you get to be Michelle Obama and I get to be a turist or a babysitter? Does anyone know an Asian politician? There might be hope...

Comment on ON INVISIBILITY: PART II

2009-02-23T20:53:06Z

I used to be invisible… and then I turned 50 a few years ago. Something snapped in me. I no longer accept being invisible. … If someone begins to walk in front of me when I am in line, I graciously step forward and announce loudly … Would you like to pass thru? (Pause for effect while they compose themselves, after all, I was invisible and we don’t expect comments from blank space) then add, “Let me make room for you” and turn so that they can pass behind. It takes a bit more effort than fuming silently, but I gain an internal smile, the walker and everyone else within ear shot learns a lesson… a win-win. Pretty much the same thing happens when I am in a store. Interrupt my transaction with a question and I sweetly (broad smile that showcases my $15,000 in veneers)announce that “we aren’t quite finished here, but God willing, we will be in just a few minutes and then Alice (I find it effective to use the sales person’s name) can help you”. Again, everyone within ear shot learns a lesson… a win-win. I actually developed these skills when my children attended elite elementary and secondary schools in the Los Angeles area. However, I was more selective about using this blunt approach then. Each year, until all of the parents knew me, I had to set one parent (occasionally a faculty member) in their place. After that one "setting", it was smooth sailing. At that time, I was motivated by the bill that I had to pay bi annually… and the fact that I was not beholding to anyone since they weren’t paying it... A new concept at schools where an entertainment industry hierarchy exists that is built on who is producing what and who is under consideration for a particular film. I am no longer selective about using these skills. I wasn’t born invisible; I had/have no intension of starting at this point in my life.

Comment on BOOK REPORT #1: TALLGRASS, by SANDRA DALLAS

2009-02-23T01:29:37Z

Ah yes... sounds like To Kill a Mockingbird with Asian people...

I used to co-teach a coming of age novel unit with multiple identity groups, especially marginalized groups. We'd do small book groups reading titles like Rite of Passage, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, Farewell to Manzanar, House on Mango Street, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, Red Azalea, Catcher in the Rye, Throwaway Daughter, A Yellow Raft in Blue Water, Totally Joe... We wanted to go through the coming of age experience that had the potential of mirroring some of the kids' experiences.

You know what I noticed? There were so many stories of the "good ones" the enlightened, white, able, heterosexual people who would "reach out to" or "stand up for" or "befriend against all odds" the people of color, the differently abled, the non-heterosexual protagonists.

You know what else? I noticed all these allies would be inevitably the wealthy, respected, or powerful members of the dominant community - like the lawyer Atticus Finch in Mockingbird and sounds like farm owner Loyal Stroud in Tallgrass. Sure they risk isolation or loss of status, and sometimes physical danger. But isn't it easier to risk when you have plenty to begin with? When you haven't been fighting to gain equality or respect in the first place?

It's not that I don't appreciate the examples given in these novels of how we can all overcome assumptions to make connections across boundaries. These are important lessons indeed. But I would really like examples that go beyond the magnanimous and philanthropic. I would like stories of people of color fighting the good fight and still reaching out and speaking up for disabled people. I would like stories of gay people fighting the good fight and still connecting and advocating for people who are struggling to feed their families on minimum-wage jobs.

I bring this point up because when I try to build coalitions among people of marginalized identities, I often hear the "life is hard enough as it is for me, I need to fight my own fight." Or "those people don't have it as bad as I do, why should I stick up for their issues?" And as an Asian person, a woman, a bisexual person, an immigrant, as a person with learning disabilities, as a person who grew up poor, I find many communities pulling at me telling me I have betrayed the "most important cause."

I hope the lesson can do deeper and wider than "helping people worse off." I know we can act from the best within us when we are in plenty. I hope we can act from the best within us even when we are in need. I want a coming of age novel that tells THAT story. If you find one, please let me know - I'd love to share it with my kids, my colleagues, my family, and my friends...